Airport drama: the miserable kind

This is a series of journal entries I kept when I made that random trip around Indochina. I went on a weekend holiday for my birthday, but I ended up heart--I wouldn't say broken but I was extremely lonely. So I ditched my flight back home and went on a backpacking trip. Here are the accounts...

Previously: Random Birthday (Valentine) Trip to Thailand

Well, I guess that's it!

I'm sitting on a bench inside Suvarnabhumi Airport, a few miles outside Bangkok, a few hours past noon, crying.

My flight back home is not until the following morning. But I'm here. I'm here because I have nowhere else to go. Misha and I had a fight that I walked out of. Well, it's much more complicated than it sounds.

I've been upset since the day I arrived. He was sick, of some fever, when i came. No one was there to pick me up from anywhere. That was fine because I completely understood. It wasn't his fault that he was sick. We actually had to spend my birthday and Valentine's day between the hospital and his apartment. Totally understood. Not that I really care about my birthday, or Valentine's day for that matter. It's just another random day in another random year.

IT'S FINE. I UNDERSTAND. IT ISN'T HIS FAULT.

Somehow this has become the mood for the next three days. It was all fine by me. I wanted to be there for him. It felt like a turning point for our relationship--one challenge that we storm through and then we'll love each other more by the end of it. What I failed to grasp was how distant and cold he was. He was very noncommittal to all the efforts I've put forward to making our short period together special.

Then it came out--one time at a dinner, he has somehow randomly mentioned a "friend" he has been meeting for the past few weeks.

I tried to brush aside the jealousy. It might have been nothing. It had to be nothing! After all, I was the one there with him at that moment. So I shouldn't let some stranger ruin our time together. But he kept being distant. I've grown weary as the days went by. My frustration was growing. I had to ask. I had to confront. I NEEDED TO KNOW.

Or maybe not.

The truth came rushing to me at an unrelenting violence. What I dreaded from the beginning was now unfolding its ugly shape in front of me. He has been sleeping with that "friend". I knew this was all going to happen. I knew that he will fall for someone else. I knew that we were not meant for each other. I've always known. Denial fought acceptance. That caused my insides to feel as if they were coming out of me. I needed air so I don't choke. That air seemed far away from him. I had to leave.

So much for romantic getaways. Now here I am in the middle of a crowded airport--a busy and uncaring airport.

I'm here. I'm lonely. I 'm miserable. Can't you see tears gushing out of me?

Well, I guess that's it.

To be continued...

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Random Birthday (Valentine) Trip to Thailand

This is a series of journal entries I kept when I made that random trip around Indochina. I went on a weekend holiday for my birthday, but I ended up heart--I wouldn't say broken but I was extremely lonely. So I ditched my flight back home and went on a backpacking trip. Here are the accounts.

I learned in November last year that Misha is back in Thailand. I was pleasantly surprised. He invited me to come over. I couldn't.

Misha is a Russian guy I met over a year ago when I attended a synchrotron conference in Thailand. He was an expatriate who's lived there for well over two years. We went on a few dates and he made my stay very extraordinary considering it was my first time out of the country and I was alone. I really liked him but I had to go back home. It was excruciating--I cried at the airport.

Well, it was meant to be a summer romance, anyways--two people meeting in a foreign land, keeping each other company for the very limited time they had together. We were meant to forget about each other eventually. But we kept in touch. We exchanged words of endearment. We said things to each other. We made each other feel good for a little while. We even joked about getting married at some point. But I knew very well there's an end to it. I just refused to believe it and instead hoped against all hopes.

He moved back to Russia a few months after, never certain if he'll be back ever. Not long after though, he was back. And it got me pumped.

I was a new hire as a finance rep for this big company when he announced his return. I couldn't get out of my new obligations. And I didn't have the money yet; so seeing Misha back then was impossible. We toyed with the idea of seeing him for Christmas or New Year at some point but I was really scared leaving work--it was not to be.

So our communication died down a little bit. We probably just spoke a little less than 10 times for the next four months. I was however consistent in viewing all options in getting over to that Indochina peninsula.

However, last week, against all logic and practicality, I finally mustered the courage to book a flight to Thailand. I asked Misha if it was alright to visit for Valentine's and he said it was fine. I'm excited. I am going to have the best Valentine's and birthday ever!

To be continued...

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