Dear Friend (perks of being a wallflower ang peg)

I don't know exactly what to say. But this week has been a torment. Let's just say it all ends in "Life is unfair." I have treated it with a lot of admiration and respect and all I get in return is a shitload in the face.

All the same, death is unfair. I have been asking to be taken and it gets a friend who didn't want and deserve to die. Hey death, I'm asking you one more time, please just get me and be done with it. I would want an abrupt and painless death but if you say otherwise, I can live with slow and painful. Ha! Pun intended.

Read more...

The Perfect Excuse

So I learned, I will be working on a new topic for undergraduate thesis. I think this is the 4th I am changing one. I guess I would have to postpone the Bohol trip for the mean time. I just don't deserve to have a vacation at the moment. After the unsuccessful trials on the first three topics? No. But I am more positive that regardless of what topic is assigned to me, I got it in the bag. No other degree-less human being on that institute is more knowledgeable of x-rays than me. I practically breathe x-rays every friggin' day. So cheers to 2013 graduation! And I would've scheduled my out of country vacation by then. Boom!

Video for the day!  

"Villages" by Alpine. This is pretty awesome in a freaky way.

Read more...

Bacolares and Sweets

As an opening remark, I just want to address some people who managed to ruin an otherwise remarkable and self-fulfilling day. Dude, if you want to have fun, go have fun! But don't shove your brand of fun into other people's throat! I am frankly disappointed that we are living in an environment conducive to all kinds of preferences and yet some of you still manage to be insensitive self-serving idiots!

There you have it, my ultra-negative rant for the day. But other than that, I had a self-rediscovery or maybe self-realization day. For the past few days, I have been very lethargic, lazy, sad maybe, totally spaced out, tired, irritable, a little sick probably. But there has been something bothering me already that have been very difficult for me to see that I would often resort to smoking, drinking coffee too much, jogging unscheduled-ly, and sleep like log in random places and at random time. But I knew I wanted to be sick. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to get tired from a dance central arcade. I knew I wanted something new to get me energized but I just didn't knew how.

So, today, out of all the randomness that had happened or I forced to happen for the last couple of days, I found myself crying and laughing, all at the same time with some of my very close friends and colleagues. We were going to want to hear from an ate about what's been bothering her lately because she too seemed irritable. She denied or chose to not burden us with the knowing but she burst into tears. And then another ate burst into tears. And then the next thing I know I burst into tears as well. But we were laughing!

After that little hormonal outburst, it felt good. I realized I made it a goal for the summer to take care of my physical health but I forgot to take care of my emotional health. You see, I've been tired, I've been frustrated and I've been sad. But it all didn't seem to matter when I had tasks that needed my taking care of: thesis experiments, paperworks, errands, paperworks. It wasn't when I haven't been getting success at my thesis experiments. I have been walking from building to building for days. I have been sleeping late. I haven't been opening my readings. I've been harboring all this heavy emotions and I didn't even have the slightest hint of their existence. But the frustration, the fatigue, exhaustion, and loneliness, it all culminated into this small round-table gathering of people close to me, crying and laughing, all at the same time. But like I said, I never felt better.

As an ending to this crazy story, I wanna share a cool Bobby McFerrin video I found a few days ago titled "Don't Worry, Be Happy"; and highlight the line, "In every life we have some trouble, but when you worry you make it double." Here it is:




P.S. I bought a bacolares plant.

Read more...

Testicles and Painkillers

I was trying to sort the big deals out of an uneventful week and all I can recall was me thinking last Friday that during that day, had I been able to, I would've murdered 6 or 7 people. That would include that woman I sat beside the jeepney; she was bitchy! The other two would've been the fat guys who had to really squeeze me in my seat at the train ride. It was apparently the point I started feeling pain from my crotch. Another one would be the donut vendor who won't sell donuts coz she didn't have change. And the rest would be the surplus. These people, really!

There was no way I could have turned that day around, instead I ended up with a very painful pair of testicles.

I planned this day ahead to be in an extraordinary level of brightness. I would've have worn a pair of red pants topped with a gayish shirt. But then the day before was a disappointment that creeped its way into the next day.

That's how unremarkable this week have been save for the failed experiments for thesis which will most likely continue until next week. My creativity couldn't even save this entry. This will probably go down as my worst ever.

Anyhow, I just wanted to write something about, while waiting for the Heroes Season 2 to complete download.

And oh!, did I mention I ended up having painful testicles?

Read more...

The Letter That Sends You Off To Litters

So a few days ago, I was bored and me getting bored is so mental. I tend to compose a lot of philosophical and scientific essays in my head. So a few days ago I just thought of a someone from my past. It was a bittersweet affair and didn't end nicely that for the past two or three years I still think about that person. So you know what they say about letting it all go shizz. So I tried putting into words what I have been trying to say for the past few years. Not that I want him to ever read this but I just wanted to feel to really let go this time and find my own peace of mind. After all, it's been so many years and I have to move on in the most genuine sense this time. And true enough, the day after I wrote it, I'm off the hook. I couldn't even remember a word from the letter I wrote. So there my love lost goes. I hope this letter really seals this segment of my life for good.



Dear C.

I know this is an age-old topic that i should have just forgotten a long time ago but once and for all I am putting a close to everything with this semi-indulgent letter. But I don't wish this to reach you and I hope you don't ever read it. And by the way, the me so obsessed with very organized literary compositions will not be in this letter. After all, I am just trying to put into words what I have been thinking for so many years. So here it goes.

For the longest time I have been dodging feelings for other people. I felt I owe it to the humankind to have one less messy relationship to keep things in order. But when you came around my scarcely remarkable life, I felt a little more brightness and a little less sadness. With you trying to distract me for attention, I felt a little special. The me so naive and inexperienced with interhuman affection misinterpreted every little attention you've shown me. We flirted a little and I went psycho about it and I thought it was love. So I guess that scared you off. So when you just walked out, I really felt shit and almost suicidal. Using your own words of me, "you're so full of yourself." If you haven't figured it out yet, you were the first person ever I thought I'd pursue having a relationship with. After you left I thought I was gonna be fine and live on. But no. The thing with this whole ordeal with love lost is you can deny all you want and try not to think what you've done wrong to push people away. But then you get a lot of time alone and you unwantingly sink into thinking again. Yes, I cried once or probably more. I thought I was a strong person but I guess I just loved you a little more than I should have. There were just things about you that are special to me. You were the kind of person I imagined riding into the sunset with. I guess I was really broken by the things that I never wanted to happen. So this appallingly crazy person me went into this empty sex with a stranger that I don't even remember the face of, thinking I'm doing myself healing.

From then on I never had sex with anyone. I guess it took me a regretable one to realize that this ridiculous cliche about making love only for love is rather not so ridiculous at all. Anyway, the point of this letter is just to get these thoughts off my head. Two or three years have passed and somehow i still wonder of the things that might have been. But things have changed and I feel like I've lost some things along the way. And if there's anything at all that I've learned during the entire process, it is that nothing in this life is really that fairy tale easy. I guess it's just so human nature for people to hurt other people. So I think Im gonna stay single for a long time, not that there's been any offer. But the point is I guess I've grown too much to be part of this whole human ordeal. Or now that I thought of it, I think I've just really grown this "stay away from me" aura. I've kinda grown to accept that there's no way our kind of relationship can have a rainbow happy ending. It might just be me though. As for you, I would like to thank you for that lady gaga scribble you wrote for me. Now that I look back at it, i regret feeding it off the shredder. I would also like to thank you for the life-changing experience that it has been. The whole heartbreak process probably killed me for a few hours and scarred me for some months. But, cliche as it may sound, it has taught me to grow a new kind of bone that helped me accept things the way they are. Now Im settled in my pathetic and mediocre career but I am living and I am content. Though it's what everyone else is after, I will not be chasing my happy ending anytime soon. So I am hoping all the best for you and your life. I hope that by writing this letter, I have shaken you off my mind and my heart. I love you and always will. And just like I told you the last time, "See you again when we're all cats!"

Eternally,
Arcee

PS: I wrote this in British accent.

Read more...

When I Say Jump, You Say How High!

There's nothing in this post. I'm just killing time. To be straight, holidays are a killer. I wish I can fly off to the moon and dance all-whatever-timeframe-it-has. I'm past every emo phase imaginable. That's why I have all the spare cognitive resources there are. WHICH MEANS I'M MORE BORED FUCK THAN EVER!!!

Read more...

The Road. Cormac McCarthy. A Journal on the Somewhat Semi-Apocalypse That was. Or You Can Call It a Semi-Book Review

It's been more than half a month now, and I got over the extreme emotions from The Road. But I can still remember having the hardest time finishing the last few remaining pages of the novel not because of laziness but the difficulty of accepting the circumstances in the story beyond my expectations. The ending left me heartbroken for quite some time. But I realized that I just need to remember the miracle of beauty rising from ashes; i.e. hope from despair, love from hatred, life from death. And thus, the essence of the book.

And here is an unfinished review I tried composing but never got the chance completing but worthwhile publishing:

It's been a little over a week ago now that I finished reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road. And quite frankly, I couldn't move on to my other dozens of readings and they pile up waiting. Not until I write something about the extraordinary experience The Road was. And warn you, whoever had the misfortune of coming across this page, that this is a journal, so a lot from the book might be spilled.

The first time I heard of The Road was about a year ago while trying to fish for the runners for the Oscars after mid-year. Back then, predictions were strongly on Body of Lies, Revolutionary Road, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Soloist, Doubt, Valkyrie, Defiant, The Road and Australia. Slumdog Millionaire was not even on the radar yet and I was so rooting for Australia. Anyway, to cut the story short, I didn't care about The Road. All I knew was Viggo Mortensen was in it. And just so you know, the film release is not going to be until this November, just found out recently.

So over a year after, it was an entirely different story. What started out as a "maturity" of passion for books became obsession. You see, it was supposed to be Neil Gaiman first and then "the rest". But he used first person in most of his narrations (which I hated). So came Cormac McCarthy's The Road, mass trade paperback, with Viggo Mortensen on the cover. I even had to get it using gift certificates.

Credentials of a certain piece attracts my attention. So when I came across one Oprah episode that somehow gave me an idea that The Road is part of the Oprah's Book Club, I became interested. And then found out that only a few books get into that selection. And then found out that it's won several top prizes for literature, Pulitzer Prize 2007 for Fiction among others. And then it climbed up on my list of readings just behind Neil Gaimans.

The novel was constructed so simply. There was not even an introduction, preface or what have you, that a standard book should have. I even hated the incomplete sentences being the entire sentence already because that would alarm me that a book is too dramatic. Nevertheless, I went on with the book. It began with man waking up in darkness in the woods, reaching out for his son and in that instance, fear and nothingness was established. And during daytime, the world is gray covered with ashes which I imagined falling from the sky as normal as the atmosphere is suspended to cover to a planet. There were no other creatures apart from them, or otherwise they would not let their presence be known. This somewhat prompted me to think, "I Am Legend." What happened? Has everyone caught virus and turned into zombies and monsters? Has the earth collapsed? For some reason, these questions were answered in the slightest clues throughout the entire story. But I do know that apocalypse had happened. So everywhere they turned is danger and they were "each the other's world entire".

After reading the book and after crying so hard that day, it was ironically manifesting outside that Ondoy (or Parma) was already devastating the entire country. So it reminded me that the book can have an environmental angle. That at some point in Homo Sapien history, there will be extinction. And I am optimist that we can still somewhat decide whether it would be in a thousand years or sooner. But it was not obviously the main point of the story. And it was definitely not what I sobbed for.

Read more...

a testimonial to April 11'09...when I lost my love ring

A day so bizarre!

I lost my cca token.
So I had to pay $45 for another one
And not to mention, spent almost an hour just trying to activate it.

And then my love ring (LOVE engraved on it),
a very very important ring I've been keeping for years,
by the time I was about to leave office,
I realized it was no longer in my finger!

What a time for that ring to be lost!
On this day!
The very same day I asked, "should I wait or just let it all go?",
and got no answer.

It's been hard getting rid of that 10-peso coin that's been sitting in my wallet for two weeks.
And shredding that paper with "Just Dance Pokerface" scribbles on it as hard.
And Im sure it'll be harder letting go of that ring.
Maybe not on this day, but eventually, I'll let go.
And I won't need a bottle of beer,
nor a doze of serotonin,
and never a drop of tear!!!

Read more...

Infatuation and Freedom

I kept telling myself that I should've been free,
I should be in a state of peace.
I have been living the life of simplicity, contentment, abstinence and detachment, my true measures of the ultimate freedom.
But how did it happen that a complete stranger, unknown to my system, rather just passing by, completely ruined my ideals?
How come one day I was quietly going on with my life optimistic of whatever tomorrow has to offer
and the other, I would not want to live a day more?
Why is freedom not enough?
Why am I not happy?
Why do we have to meet people if their purpose is to hurt other people?
Why is Dr. Mierzwak not real?
Why can't he come and treat my corrupted memory?
Why is knowledge and truth still not enough to be free?
What does it take to be free?

Read more...