Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Letter That Sends You Off To Litters

So a few days ago, I was bored and me getting bored is so mental. I tend to compose a lot of philosophical and scientific essays in my head. So a few days ago I just thought of a someone from my past. It was a bittersweet affair and didn't end nicely that for the past two or three years I still think about that person. So you know what they say about letting it all go shizz. So I tried putting into words what I have been trying to say for the past few years. Not that I want him to ever read this but I just wanted to feel to really let go this time and find my own peace of mind. After all, it's been so many years and I have to move on in the most genuine sense this time. And true enough, the day after I wrote it, I'm off the hook. I couldn't even remember a word from the letter I wrote. So there my love lost goes. I hope this letter really seals this segment of my life for good.

Dear C.

I know this is an age-old topic that i should have just forgotten a long time ago but once and for all I am putting a close to everything with this semi-indulgent letter. But I don't wish this to reach you and I hope you don't ever read it. And by the way, the me so obsessed with very organized literary compositions will not be in this letter. After all, I am just trying to put into words what I have been thinking for so many years. So here it goes.

For the longest time I have been dodging feelings for other people. I felt I owe it to the humankind to have one less messy relationship to keep things in order. But when you came around my scarcely remarkable life, I felt a little more brightness and a little less sadness. With you trying to distract me for attention, I felt a little special. The me so naive and inexperienced with interhuman affection misinterpreted every little attention you've shown me. We flirted a little and I went psycho about it and I thought it was love. So I guess that scared you off. So when you just walked out, I really felt shit and almost suicidal. Using your own words of me, "you're so full of yourself." If you haven't figured it out yet, you were the first person ever I thought I'd pursue having a relationship with. After you left I thought I was gonna be fine and live on. But no. The thing with this whole ordeal with love lost is you can deny all you want and try not to think what you've done wrong to push people away. But then you get a lot of time alone and you unwantingly sink into thinking again. Yes, I cried once or probably more. I thought I was a strong person but I guess I just loved you a little more than I should have. There were just things about you that are special to me. You were the kind of person I imagined riding into the sunset with. I guess I was really broken by the things that I never wanted to happen. So this appallingly crazy person me went into this empty sex with a stranger that I don't even remember the face of, thinking I'm doing myself healing.

From then on I never had sex with anyone. I guess it took me a regretable one to realize that this ridiculous cliche about making love only for love is rather not so ridiculous at all. Anyway, the point of this letter is just to get these thoughts off my head. Two or three years have passed and somehow i still wonder of the things that might have been. But things have changed and I feel like I've lost some things along the way. And if there's anything at all that I've learned during the entire process, it is that nothing in this life is really that fairy tale easy. I guess it's just so human nature for people to hurt other people. So I think Im gonna stay single for a long time, not that there's been any offer. But the point is I guess I've grown too much to be part of this whole human ordeal. Or now that I thought of it, I think I've just really grown this "stay away from me" aura. I've kinda grown to accept that there's no way our kind of relationship can have a rainbow happy ending. It might just be me though. As for you, I would like to thank you for that lady gaga scribble you wrote for me. Now that I look back at it, i regret feeding it off the shredder. I would also like to thank you for the life-changing experience that it has been. The whole heartbreak process probably killed me for a few hours and scarred me for some months. But, cliche as it may sound, it has taught me to grow a new kind of bone that helped me accept things the way they are. Now Im settled in my pathetic and mediocre career but I am living and I am content. Though it's what everyone else is after, I will not be chasing my happy ending anytime soon. So I am hoping all the best for you and your life. I hope that by writing this letter, I have shaken you off my mind and my heart. I love you and always will. And just like I told you the last time, "See you again when we're all cats!"


PS: I wrote this in British accent.

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